Some Words on the State of My Thoughts
For those meager few of you still listening in, waiting for the ghost of some insight or amusement from me, there’s a reason why I haven’t been writing in here as much – for months on a stretch. I’m having a crisis of identity, you see. A realization that I have not lived long enough nor fully enough to truly encapsulate my thoughts, dreams, inspirations and angers. That even if I were to buck it up and write it down, I wouldn’t even be giving an original perspective.
Everything I want to say is being written by better, or at least more insightful, men and women.
Take, for example, a little eight-hundred-word piece I had started typing in here a few weeks back. A little analysis on the state of music now that Bandcamp and Soundcloud are real things, run and utilized by real musicians, and they’re everywhere, good god I can’t turn a metaphorical corner on the fandom side of the internet without running into a little ditty I’d be more than happy to cough 99 cents up for if I wasn’t unemployed and getting increasingly desperate.
I trashed it just now. Warren Ellis’s spoken, and I can’t add anything to that, or even reword it for a crude facsimile of originality.
I’ll be honest. It’s a little frustrating. And I’m on a creative high at the moment too, writing rather well-received fiction in a fandom I would’ve never expected to have been a part of, so it isn’t as if I’m short on words. Hell, if I were a hired columnist, lack of originality wouldn’t be stopping me.
But this is my blog, you know? And so satisfaction has to be met. And I just haven’t been very satisfied, lately, with my comparatively meager toolkit.
I think I have word envy.